Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator

J. Passepartout · 22-04-2003, 17:22

One day, a long time ago, there was a country, named the Timurid Empire, which, in this day and age, would be attacked by the United States of America. Fortunately for us, the U.S.A did not exist then, so the Timurids could continue to oppress the sheep (for both Sunnis and Shiites were tolerated due to the fact that it was too much trouble to oppress people who could fight back) and be particularly unstable. The Timurid Empire was ruled from the saddle by a chess piece named Shah Rukh, child of Timur Lenkh, and a strange person known to history Pyotr Eppsn.

“My lord,” said Pyotr, “I have some plans. First of all, we need to get you out of the capital and over at the easternmost border. For I can see through the mists of time, although it is indeed misty, and I see that the Chagatai Khanate will declare war soon.”

“Yes, Oh Most Grandiose Sire” said Shah Rukh, for he had been most splendidly hypnotized by Pyotr, and could only obey his orders.

Pyotr Eppsn then proceeded to grant home rule to Baluchistan, as the inhabitants of the area were a bunch of morons and Pyotr didn’t feel like ruling them. He also gave bribes unto the Uzbeks, and formed an alliance with the owners of an Indian deli and his friend the Kaliph. Pyotr also decreed that “The army shall only get half of the money they formerly got, since I need more money to settle this border dispute with the Uzbeks.”

Sure enough, in 1421, the Chagatai Khanate declared war, and in the initial confusion, the army got even more confused when they realised they didn’t know where the Khanate was. In his infinite wisdom, Pyotr Eppsn said to just walk east, and they’d find it. And thus started the road to Greatness, Alaska (just south of Juneau).

OOC: Okay, I intend to survive and relate this tale, and I think I will, since I got past the disintegration event. Peter, if you want me to change the title or the main character, say so.

Alexandru H. · 22-04-2003, 17:37

Quote:

Originally posted by J. Passepartout
One day, a long time ago, there was a country, named the Timurid Empire, which, in this day and age, would be attacked by the United States of America. Fortunately for us, the U.S.A did not exist then, so the Timurids could continue to oppress the sheep

Now that's the statement of the day....

Syt · 22-04-2003, 17:38

Quote:

Originally posted by J. Passepartout
so the Timurids could continue to oppress the sheep (for both Sunnis and Shiites were tolerated due to the fact that it was too much trouble to oppress people who could fight back) and be particularly unstable.

LOL!!!

Great intro - this is going to be a fun right, I think.

Crimson King · 22-04-2003, 18:11

D'oh! And here I was almost all set to start my own Timurids AAR. Oh well ... I'm sure your experience was quite different from mine, as I made some choices along the way that many would have considered insane. (Personally, I would call them "interesting", but that's just me.)

What patch are you playing with, and how difficult did you find the disintegration? I thought the recent annualization of RR in the latest beta patches made that event a bit of a cake walk. It wasn't until I got two SSREM-inspired Famines (both of which I chose the RR choice for) in the 1470's that it began to get difficult. The Persian uprising was a bit more difficult, as it drained my army enough to provoke Mameluks and Friends to attack.

It will be interesting to see how you do with the Timurids ... particularly how you deal with the almost total lack of money in the beginning. (No census taxes? Whaddya mean no census taxes?) And the frequent border wars with the Khanates. And the uber-expensive fortification costs, thanks to being nearly full offensive at the start.

Alas, I see you decided to free Baluchistan ... tsk, tsk. Such weakness is unbecoming of a true dictator ... even a teenage one.

Best of luck.

J. Passepartout · 22-04-2003, 18:20

I'm on vanilla 1.07, and amazingly I'm actually earning money each month, for whatever reason.

I don't want to reveal anything ahead of time, but the Disintegration was very easily dealt with, since, as I said, I was getting some spare cash.

By the way, look at Peter Ebbesens The Timurid Sciendtists to see what The Conquerer did with Baluchistan.

Thanks everyone for commenting.

Crimson King · 22-04-2003, 18:49

OK, so you didn't have to promote tax collectors to get census taxes. That must've been nice. If you'd played with the first 1.07b beta patch, you'd have been getting about 10 ducats end-of-year tax income, tax collectors cost 55d thanks to 10% inflation, and your monthly income is likely being funneled into stability. Can you feel my pain?

I've read the Timurid Scientists, as well as MrT's A Few of My Possessions. I know it makes all kinds of sense to free the Baluchis initially, but as I mentioned I deliberately made some silly decisions. I just couldn't resist the dig.

Peter Ebbesen · 22-04-2003, 18:57

Quote:

Originally posted by J. Passepartout

OOC: Okay, I intend to survive and relate this tale, and I think I will, since I got past the disintegration event. Peter, if you want me to change the title or the main character, say so.

Hell, no. Keep up the good work.

Quote:

I don't want to reveal anything ahead of time, but the Disintegration was very easily dealt with, since, as I said, I was getting some spare cash.

The road of the chicken. Bwaark. Bwaaark.

Storey · 22-04-2003, 19:13

Quote:

Originally posted by Peter Ebbesen

The road of the chicken. Bwaark. Bwaaark.

LMAO

Joe

jwolf · 22-04-2003, 19:16

"He ... formed an alliance with the owners of an Indian deli ..."

ROFL!

You have a brilliant start! And a great read, too.

*Stroph1* · 22-04-2003, 19:38

Great beginning. If you keep this level up, yo have an avid reader!

J. Passepartout · 22-04-2003, 22:44

"Bum de bum bum." said Shah Rukh. He was incredibly bored. So bored in fact, that when his manservant woke him up, the shouting scared some people in Lut. Sieges in the Khanate had caused the west to fall to the Empire. It was 1423, and was getting ready to invade yet another province. Then, a guy came up to him and said "Hey, I can get you Tian Shan, cheap."

"Okay."

"Sign here."

The paper said:

The Timurid Empire will receive Tian Shan and peace, in return for which Satan will receive the souls of the inhabitants of the Timurid Empire until Doomsday.

__________ <-------- Sign Here

"Hmmm, sounds good." said the Shah. "Have you got ink and a stick?"

"Right here."

Shah Rukh signed the paper and poked the Devil in the eye with the stick, for it was the Devil who was offering the peace. "See you later, Satan." And the ruler of an empire rode towards home.

Anyway, remember those Luttans? They revolted. When Pyotr Eppsn heard of it, he jumped on his horse and rode to Lut. He then proceeded to kill every revolter by himself. He said "Okay, you guys, I'm going to kill you all singlehandedly, and if you fight back this nine thousand man army here will shoot you and diisembowel you and your family and your descendants until they die. An we will also burn down your best friends house, and rape the first girl we find. So don't fight back." For this act of sheer bloodymindedness, Shah Rukh made Pyotr a Lord Marquis, whatever that is.

Szordrin · 22-04-2003, 23:49

i'll wake up my neighbours if you continue on this note

, and that's a lot of people!

J. Passepartout · 23-04-2003, 15:53

1435

The Timurid Empire has been, essentially, at peace for the past twelve years. The various wars Blade!s Deli started don't count, since the Empire didn't send any troops and spent most of those two or three wars talking the Kaliphate and Baluchistan into actually staying in the alliance.

Then, in 1435, something happened. A bright light was seen in the sky. Rumours spread about what it was, and the Isfrahan Stock Exchange closed for the day, after the market plunged down to the lowest point since the previous week.

"Your Majesty, the Brokers in Isfrahan are revolting."

Shah Rukh jumped up. "I had 200 Ducats invested in Bribery of Peasants, Ltd.! Does this have anything to do with that Space Monster?"

"It's not really Godzilla. Godzilla lives in the Pacific ocean. But yes. The peasants thought he was going to burn down the city with his radioactive breath, and sold all their government bonds and their stocks. The Market closed for a day so that the stocks would recover, and the brokers, having nothing better to do, revolted."

"Well, kill them all."

"I'm sorry, but before I can do that, I need you to bail me out. I lost money in stocks. I need seventy five Ducats."

J. Passepartout · 24-04-2003, 00:49

Do I have a lack of readership or a lack of response?

*Stroph1* · 24-04-2003, 01:14

We are here, wanting MORE MORE MORE!

J. Passepartout · 24-04-2003, 01:20

Ah, good. Now, I'll post something after I get back from some errands.

Prince Eugene · 24-04-2003, 01:47

Damn, I love your AAR's. They are funny while they at the same time are short and readable.

Syt · 24-04-2003, 05:40

Quote:

Originally posted by J. Passepartout
Do I have a lack of readership or a lack of response?

Don't worry, we're here, waiting for more. This is too funny to see it cut short.

Duuk · 24-04-2003, 06:08

Chime me into the "Ready for a fun AAR" crowd.

Duuk

kurtbrian · 24-04-2003, 08:25

This is actually funny!

great work!

22-04-2003, 17:22	#1
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator One day, a long time ago, there was a country, named the Timurid Empire, which, in this day and age, would be attacked by the United States of America. Fortunately for us, the U.S.A did not exist then, so the Timurids could continue to oppress the sheep (for both Sunnis and Shiites were tolerated due to the fact that it was too much trouble to oppress people who could fight back) and be particularly unstable. The Timurid Empire was ruled from the saddle by a chess piece named Shah Rukh, child of Timur Lenkh, and a strange person known to history Pyotr Eppsn. “My lord,” said Pyotr, “I have some plans. First of all, we need to get you out of the capital and over at the easternmost border. For I can see through the mists of time, although it is indeed misty, and I see that the Chagatai Khanate will declare war soon.” “Yes, Oh Most Grandiose Sire” said Shah Rukh, for he had been most splendidly hypnotized by Pyotr, and could only obey his orders. Pyotr Eppsn then proceeded to grant home rule to Baluchistan, as the inhabitants of the area were a bunch of morons and Pyotr didn’t feel like ruling them. He also gave bribes unto the Uzbeks, and formed an alliance with the owners of an Indian deli and his friend the Kaliph. Pyotr also decreed that “The army shall only get half of the money they formerly got, since I need more money to settle this border dispute with the Uzbeks.” Sure enough, in 1421, the Chagatai Khanate declared war, and in the initial confusion, the army got even more confused when they realised they didn’t know where the Khanate was. In his infinite wisdom, Pyotr Eppsn said to just walk east, and they’d find it. And thus started the road to Greatness, Alaska (just south of Juneau). OOC: Okay, I intend to survive and relate this tale, and I think I will, since I got past the disintegration event. Peter, if you want me to change the title or the main character, say so. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

22-04-2003, 18:11	#4
Crimson King Obsessive Beancounter Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Uncle Sam's Backyard Posts: 680	D'oh! And here I was almost all set to start my own Timurids AAR. Oh well ... I'm sure your experience was quite different from mine, as I made some choices along the way that many would have considered insane. (Personally, I would call them "interesting", but that's just me.) What patch are you playing with, and how difficult did you find the disintegration? I thought the recent annualization of RR in the latest beta patches made that event a bit of a cake walk. It wasn't until I got two SSREM-inspired Famines (both of which I chose the RR choice for) in the 1470's that it began to get difficult. The Persian uprising was a bit more difficult, as it drained my army enough to provoke Mameluks and Friends to attack. It will be interesting to see how you do with the Timurids ... particularly how you deal with the almost total lack of money in the beginning. (No census taxes? Whaddya mean no census taxes?) And the frequent border wars with the Khanates. And the uber-expensive fortification costs, thanks to being nearly full offensive at the start. Alas, I see you decided to free Baluchistan ... tsk, tsk. Such weakness is unbecoming of a true dictator ... even a teenage one. Best of luck. __________________ Stale: March of the Habsborg, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Despots, Rise of the Sea-Dog Sultans

22-04-2003, 18:20	#5
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	I'm on vanilla 1.07, and amazingly I'm actually earning money each month, for whatever reason. I don't want to reveal anything ahead of time, but the Disintegration was very easily dealt with, since, as I said, I was getting some spare cash. By the way, look at Peter Ebbesens The Timurid Sciendtists to see what The Conquerer did with Baluchistan. Thanks everyone for commenting. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

22-04-2003, 19:38	#10
Stroph1 CatAARstroph1c moderator Moderator Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Pennsylvania, USA Posts: 3,530	Great beginning. If you keep this level up, yo have an avid reader! __________________ More spam, you die! Horribly, horribly!

22-04-2003, 22:44	#11
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	"Bum de bum bum." said Shah Rukh. He was incredibly bored. So bored in fact, that when his manservant woke him up, the shouting scared some people in Lut. Sieges in the Khanate had caused the west to fall to the Empire. It was 1423, and was getting ready to invade yet another province. Then, a guy came up to him and said "Hey, I can get you Tian Shan, cheap." "Okay." "Sign here." The paper said: The Timurid Empire will receive Tian Shan and peace, in return for which Satan will receive the souls of the inhabitants of the Timurid Empire until Doomsday. __________ <-------- Sign Here "Hmmm, sounds good." said the Shah. "Have you got ink and a stick?" "Right here." Shah Rukh signed the paper and poked the Devil in the eye with the stick, for it was the Devil who was offering the peace. "See you later, Satan." And the ruler of an empire rode towards home. Anyway, remember those Luttans? They revolted. When Pyotr Eppsn heard of it, he jumped on his horse and rode to Lut. He then proceeded to kill every revolter by himself. He said "Okay, you guys, I'm going to kill you all singlehandedly, and if you fight back this nine thousand man army here will shoot you and diisembowel you and your family and your descendants until they die. An we will also burn down your best friends house, and rape the first girl we find. So don't fight back." For this act of sheer bloodymindedness, Shah Rukh made Pyotr a Lord Marquis, whatever that is. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

22-04-2003, 18:49	#6
Crimson King Obsessive Beancounter Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: Uncle Sam's Backyard Posts: 680	OK, so you didn't have to promote tax collectors to get census taxes. That must've been nice. If you'd played with the first 1.07b beta patch, you'd have been getting about 10 ducats end-of-year tax income, tax collectors cost 55d thanks to 10% inflation, and your monthly income is likely being funneled into stability. Can you feel my pain? I've read the Timurid Scientists, as well as MrT's A Few of My Possessions. I know it makes all kinds of sense to free the Baluchis initially, but as I mentioned I deliberately made some silly decisions. I just couldn't resist the dig.

22-04-2003, 19:16	#9
jwolf Field Marshal Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Illinois, USA Posts: 3,407	"He ... formed an alliance with the owners of an Indian deli ..." ROFL! You have a brilliant start! And a great read, too.

22-04-2003, 23:49	#12
Szordrin Lt. General Join Date: Sep 2002 Location: Ust Natha Posts: 1,276	i'll wake up my neighbours if you continue on this note , and that's a lot of people! __________________ "All governments suffer a recurring problem:Power attracts pathological personalities. It is not that power corrupts but that it is magnetic to the corruptible. Such people have a tendency to become drunk on violence, a condition to which they are quickly addicted."

23-04-2003, 15:53	#13
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	1435 The Timurid Empire has been, essentially, at peace for the past twelve years. The various wars Blade!s Deli started don't count, since the Empire didn't send any troops and spent most of those two or three wars talking the Kaliphate and Baluchistan into actually staying in the alliance. Then, in 1435, something happened. A bright light was seen in the sky. Rumours spread about what it was, and the Isfrahan Stock Exchange closed for the day, after the market plunged down to the lowest point since the previous week. "Your Majesty, the Brokers in Isfrahan are revolting." Shah Rukh jumped up. "I had 200 Ducats invested in Bribery of Peasants, Ltd.! Does this have anything to do with that Space Monster?" "It's not really Godzilla. Godzilla lives in the Pacific ocean. But yes. The peasants thought he was going to burn down the city with his radioactive breath, and sold all their government bonds and their stocks. The Market closed for a day so that the stocks would recover, and the brokers, having nothing better to do, revolted." "Well, kill them all." "I'm sorry, but before I can do that, I need you to bail me out. I lost money in stocks. I need seventy five Ducats." __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

24-04-2003, 00:49	#14
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	Do I have a lack of readership or a lack of response? __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

24-04-2003, 01:14	#15
Stroph1 CatAARstroph1c moderator Moderator Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Pennsylvania, USA Posts: 3,530	We are here, wanting MORE MORE MORE! __________________ More spam, you die! Horribly, horribly!

24-04-2003, 01:20	#16
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	Ah, good. Now, I'll post something after I get back from some errands. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

24-04-2003, 01:47	#17
Prince Eugene Field Marshal Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Birmingham, Alabama Posts: 2,882	Damn, I love your AAR's. They are funny while they at the same time are short and readable.

24-04-2003, 06:08	#19
Duuk Right Wing Liberal Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Detroit (508) Posts: 4,629	Chime me into the "Ready for a fun AAR" crowd. Duuk __________________ How do you tell a communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin. ~ Ronald Reagan The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' ~ Ronald Reagan

24-04-2003, 08:25	#20
kurtbrian Older than dirt Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 9,114	This is actually funny! great work! __________________ Minsc will lead the way with blade and Boot - Boo will take care of the details... - Minsc, famous ranger Man who sits in marmelade, has ass in jam... - Wang, famous shadow warrior