An Iraqi Odyssey

NL_Oxcart · 26-03-2003, 21:57

==============================

Because of concerns that have been raised, I feel that at this point it is necessary to insert a note about this AAR to any readers:

I am not planning on writing about gassing the kurds, using human shields, or anything like that. Just as one would not talk about or in any way glorify the holocaust in a German AAR or talk about liquidation of the kulaks when playing as the Soviets.

I do not intend to declare war on America and recreate the current war. Hopefully that war will be over as soon as possible with as few deaths on all sides as possible. What is going on in Iraq is certainly not a game, and I do not mean to imply anything at like that.

With the reference to the agriculture minister, for example, I was just attempting to give an accurate portrayal of the brutality of the Iraqi regime.

If anyone has any other concerns, please tell me about them so that I can address them appropriately.

==============================

Part 1)

Nation: Iraq

Version: 1.3b with modded

files

Time: 1936 to whenever

Difficulty: Normal; Aggressiveness: Aggressive

Screenshots: Hell Yes!

Goals: Begin an Iraqi Renaissance, build up our armed forces, stifle all dissent, kill our own people, threaten our neighbors, and develop... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

It has begun.

Financial Times
March 15, 1934
Baghdad, Iraq

A coup against the Iraqi government was launched yesterday by that country's Ba'ath party. The Ba'ath party is an Arab nationalist party that operates in Iraq, Syria, and other middle eastern countries.

The coup was a total succes, as the Ba'ath party simultaneously gained control over the army and assasinated the former Iraqi President. British Government sources in MI5 indicate that the assasin may have been Saddam Hussein, a rising star in the Ba'ath movement. Hussein, born in Tikrit, is thought to be ruthless and entirely committed to the Ba'ath cause.

The government is naturally distressed at this development, because of the control it formerly had over the Iraqi government. However, the Foreign office has already begun approaching the new Ba'ath government

New York Times
December 12 1935
Baghdad, Iraq

Yesterday hundreds of political opponents of Saddam Hussein, the leader of the Iraqi Ba'ath party, were executed yesterday at a great purge conducted at a meeting of that party. With this move, Hussein has consolidated his control over Iraq and has essentially enthroned himself as dictator of Iraq.

At a press conference yesterday, a state department representative said, "This purge issue is no concern of ours." In the past year, Iraq has managed to ally itself to Great Britain and the rest of the commonwealth. By this alliance Britain, afraid of a possible threat from Hitler's new Germany and wary of the rising Fascist movement in Iran (Persia), secures access to the rich oil fields of the middle east and a lever against Iran in case of war.

NL_Oxcart · 27-03-2003, 00:11

Part 2)

Iraqi Cabinet Meeting
January 1, 1936
Baghdad, Iraq

Saddam Hussein: Well then, let us get to work. We shall begin with an examination of the state of the glorious Iraqi economy.

Qusay Hussein: Excellent Idea, father.

Tariq Aziz: Yes, a superb topic.

Saddam Hussein: Yes. The way I see it, Iraq only has 21 industrial capacity. This is quite simply insufficient for the glory of Iraq. Every day we produce 220 units of oil, 40 of steel, and 15 coal, yet we only produce 21 --- Listen well --- 21! units of industrial output per day! This must be changed. Khidir, take steps to upgrade our industrial capacity in all our provinces.

Minister of Agriculture: But Saddam, with all due respect, we cannot upgrade our industrial output in either Al Turayf or Al Najaf because we have no industry there.

Saddam Hussein: Minister of Agriculture, come into my office, I wish to have a short private discussion with you.

Saddam enters his office, with the Minister of Agriculture following just behind. The door closes slowly. After about two minutes, the other ministers hear a loud bang. Khidir Hamza is puzzled by this. One minute later, Saddam opens the door, walks back to his chair at the head of the table, and says:

Saddam Hussein: The great nation of Iraq no longer has need of a Minister of Agriculture.

Saddam Hussein: However, my motto is "always look on the bright side of life." So, thanks to Qusay's efforts with recruitment, we have plenty of 3 million men available for service in our armed forces.

Qusay grins and nods.

Saddam Hussein: By the way, Khidir, do whatever you need to do on the world market to ensure the continued availability of resources to our industry. I don't want to know about it. Now, let us move on to other topics. Military topics. General Ahmad, please begin your presentation.

Sultan Hashid Ahmad walks towards an easel and unfurls a map.

General Ahmad: As you can see, the Iraqi Army consists of 5 divisions. We have 4 republican guard divisions and 1 Fedayeen Saddam Division, although they are not quite a conventional military force. You will have to talk to the honorable Qusay about them.

Qusay Hussein: Ah, yes. They are loyal and well versed in the art of guerrilla warfare. We have learned much from Mao's little red book.

General Ahmad: Exactly. Our Republican Guard divisions consist of the 1st Hamurabbi, the 2nd Al-Medina, the 3rd Baghdad, and the 6th Nebuchadnezzar. All, except the Nebuchadnezzar division, are at full strength. The Nebuchadnezzar division will soon be brought up to par with the rest. These divisions are not yet really elite, but they are becoming more loyal to the Ba'ath party with every purge. As time passes, they will be given better equipment. Basically, we took the old regular army and renamed it... Now, for a brief summary of the state of the air force, I turn over our presentation to Joe Mohammed.

Joe Mohammed: The state of the Iraqi air force is... Judge for yourselves. We have one squadron of fighter planes at 30% strength. We have no anti-aircraft defences whatsoever, and we have absolutely nothing else.

Saddam Hussein: Perhaps at some point we will purchase some obsolete biplanes from our friends, including the Soviets and the French. Surely that would be sufficient.

Joe Mohammed: ...

Saddam Hussein: Yes, lets talk about the navy now.

Joe Mahmoud: Iraq has no navy.

Saddam Hussein: Perhaps we will build a yacht or an oil tanker some time in the future. Maybe we can even fortify our small shore line around the Al Faq peninsula. You never know what kinds of amphibiuos assaults will pop up at you, after all. Yes, excellent idea.

Saddam Hussein: As resources become available, we will expand and improve our armed forces, concentrating on the army. Now, I believe we should discuss technological matters. Khidir, how is reserach progressing?

Khidir Hamza: On the electronics front, we will begin with a study of the mysteries of decimetric radar.

Saddam Hussein: What in the world is that?

Khidir Hamza: Well, one of my MIT textbooks said that if we worked on that, one day we might be able to play computer war games.

Saddam smiles

Saddam Hussein: Aha! Very good. Do proceed, Dr. Hamza.

Khidir Hamza: In industry, we will research Hydrogenation, which will allow us to produce synthetic rubber for our industries. In the field of rocketry, we will consult the Houghton Mifflin textbook Basic Rocketry Design. Finally, in the nuclear field, we will try to reproduce Marie Curie's experiments with the phenomenon of radioactivity. It is our belief, you see, that we may be able to construct an enormously destructive bomb, which, if we develop rockets, we may be able to deliver anywhere in the world.

Excellent! Now, how goes research in the field of military science?

General Ahmad: We are not entirely sure what happened in the first world war. Our Fedayeen and Republican Guard have neither service rifles nor light mortars. However, I have been reading a most excellent book - by a German - Heinz Guderian. It is about armored warfare. It is very interesting indeed. And, you know, the desert around here is absolutely perfect terrain for armored warfare.

Joe Mohammed: But, if we don't have air superiority...

Saddam Hussein: Shhh, Mr. Mohammed. It is not your place to speak now.

Khidir Hamza: Why don't we set up a military academy to gain knowledge of the military arts? People could think about better ways to kill people, it'd be great!

Saddam Hussein: Yes, that is an absolutely superb idea! Why don't you two start with my relatives. Here, take this 'Ali' fellow.

General Ahmad and Khidir Hamza scamper off to begin work.

I see no particular reason to waste valuable resources on developing a better navy or air force at this juncture. Rather shall we concentrate our efforts primarily on industry and electronics, and then on our army and... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

Evil laugh. Goes on too long. Kind of like this italicized line of text, don't you think?

Saddam Hussein: Let it be done. The meeting is adjourned.

As the ministers get up from their chairs and begin to stretch, Saddam Hussein approaches his son, Qusay

Saddam Hussein: I forgot to ask, how is our security and internal control?

Qusay Hussein: Oh, it is excellent. Just you leave that to me. Just leave it to me.

Maddogg1178 · 27-03-2003, 00:38

uhhhhh intresting aar to say the least

*Lord Durham* · 27-03-2003, 01:34

NL_Oxcart, I've sent you a PM. I strongly advise that you keep this AAR under tight control and respect the tense situation existing in the world at present.

NL_Oxcart · 27-03-2003, 02:32

Because of concerns that have been raised, I feel that at this point it is necessary to insert a note about this AAR to any readers:

I am not planning on writing about gassing the kurds, using human shields, or anything like that. Just as one would not talk about or in any way glorify the holocaust in a German AAR or talk about liquidation of the kulaks when playing as the Soviets.

I do not intend to declare war on America and recreate the current war. Hopefully that war will be over as soon as possible with as few deaths on all sides as possible. What is going on in Iraq is certainly not a game, and I do not mean to imply anything at like that.

With the reference to the agriculture minister, for example, I was just attempting to give an accurate portrayal of the brutality of the Iraqi regime.

If anyone has any other concerns, please tell me about them so that I can address them appropriately.

*OHgamer* · 27-03-2003, 03:45

Interesting concept, considering Saddam Husayn wasn't born until 1937 I believe...a pre-natal administration perhaps.

NL_Oxcart · 27-03-2003, 05:16

Quote:

Interesting concept, considering Saddam Husayn wasn't born until 1937 I believe...a pre-natal administration perhaps.

I call it... artistic license

NL_Oxcart · 27-03-2003, 05:19

Part 3)

Le Monde
October 15 1936
Madrid, Spain

The Spanish civil war ended yesterday, in total Republican defeat, leaving General Franco the leader of Spain. Resistance in Madrid was sporadic as the Nationalists marched in; much of the local population cheered the Nationalists on in what was almost a victory parade.

The Nationalist n victory has led some to question the government’s decision not to aid the Republicans; perhaps, they argue, if France had helped, France would not now face possible threats on three fronts, from Fascist Germany, Italy, and Spain. Some commentators have jokingly suggested that the Maginot line be expanded along all of France’s borders with every country --- and the sea.

The Times
November 11 1936
Khartoum, Sudan

The Italian bid to conquer Ethiopia, the Abyssinian war, ended yesterday with victory for the Italians, but their victory was not without cost. The initial Italian attack was two pronged, with thrusts into Ethiopian territory from both Italian Somaliland and from Eritrea. After difficult fighting against Ethiopiopian tribesman in the initial battles, the Italians managed to break through. Within By September, Addis Ababba was surrounded by Italian forces. The Ethiopians retreated into the city, but cut off from all aid and surrounded, with inferior weapons, they were no match for the modern Italian army. The emperor, Haile Selassie, finally gave up resistance yesterday, ending his country’s brave stand. Liberia is now the only part of Africa not under European control.

Iraqi Cabinet Meeting
January 1, 1936
Baghdad, Iraq

Saddam Hussein: Let us begin our yearly review meeting. Sit down all, have a glass of water – it’s taken straight from the Euphrates!

Saddam Hussein: So, Dr. Hamza, how did our industrialization campaign go?

Khidir Hamza: It was a total success, of course, dear leader. We managed to expand in … all … our provinces. Our industrial capacity increased by 5, up to 26. That is 24% growth in GDP! Write it up in Pra… Yes. I would suggest, however, that we not build any more industry in Baghdad in the future. Baghdad already has 11 IC, and because of decreasing marginal utility, it is simply not worth our while to expand it any further. We would do better to invest in research.

Saddam Hussein: Excellent work, Khidir. Continue expanding our industry in every city except for Baghdad then. How has our trade on the world market gone?

Khidir Hamza: It has actually gone very well. By trading our immense surpluses of oil, we have been able to build up substantial reserves of coal, steal, and rubber. We are doing very well in this area.

Saddam Hussein: Let us move to other subjects – international affairs. As you know, there have been two major wars in the last two years as well as a number of other incidents, among which are the re-election of Franklin Delano Roosevelt as President of the United States, and of course the Iran problem. Let us begin with Iran; Tariq, to the blackboard.

Tariq Aziz waddles towards the blackboard. By the blackboard is only a very small piece of chalk. Tariq scratches the board, which produces a painful shrieking sound that hurts Sadam’s ears. Wise men do not hurt Saddam’s ears. But then again, Tariq Aziz is an iron fisted brute. No wonder his hands scratched the chalkboard.

Tariq Aziz: Well, if one draws a political compass, this is…

Tariq draws, nearly running out of chalk and occasionally scratching the chalkboard.

Tariq Aziz: As you can see on the left, Iran has become more FASCIST!!! This bodes we-… ill, for us. Ideologically, we face a possible enemy who could ally with the European fascists. Fortunately for us, Britain and the commonwealth have promised to help us in any such conflict with FASCISM.

We, of course, are not fascist. We are actually sort of democratic. We have a parliament and other cool stuff.

Saddam chuckles

Uday Hussein (visiting psychopath) – Enough of these graphs. I don’t understand. Talk about death and killing!

Saddam Hussein: Alright son. General Ahmad, give us your analysis of the two conflicts.

General Ahmad: The Italians actually had a great deal of trouble conquering Ethiopia. The only thing that saved them from disaster was that they attacked from two fronts, which separated enemy resistance. They attacked with infantry not supported by tanks, which enabled the poorly equipped Ethiopians to inflict heavy casualties on the Italians in the opening battles. But following these battles, the Italians encircled the enemy, which effectively spelled doom for the Ethiopians. The lessons of this war are the importance of attacking from more than one place at once and of surrounding the enemy.

General Ahmad: The Spanish civil war was clearly a great victory for the Nationalists. They won because they had superior equipment and the leadership to make use of it effectively. In my opinion, it was the tanks provided by Germany that guaranteed victory for Franco.

Joe Mohammed: But it was the Stuka…

Uday begins foaming at the mouth, at which point he is led out of the cabinet meeting by 2 bodyguards. There is a small commotion.

Saddam Hussein: Silence! Continue, General Ahmad.

General Ahmad: Yes, I think we would do well to begin building our own tanks.

Saddam Hussein: Good, then it is settled. We will equip the Hamurrabi division with the best armor that Iraqi industry can produce. Now, let us turn to research. Khidir, how goes our research into Decimetric Radar?

Khidir Hamza: Ummm, we have worked on the problem with all our efforts for an entire year, but we simply do not have enough resources devoted to research to make significant progress. However, our dear friends from the Western world have shared their knowledge of technologies with us.

Saddam Hussein: Ah yes, it is good to have allies. I have two questions for you, Dr. Hamza. 1) Why were we given Great War Experience Analysis twice? You went to MIT, I thought you were smart. Why do you need to be taught twice? Perhaps this failure on your part is responsible for our lack of progress in research. 2) Flying Circus… Monty… ?

Khidir Hamza: Well, on your first point, we were given Great War Naval Experience Analysis and Great War Air Experience Analysis. You see, the experiences of the great war were very different in the air than they were in the sea. Thus the differing analyses from our respective friends. On the second point, I am at a loss to comprehend your great intelligence, your sharp wit, your drooping moustache.

Dr. Hamza bows before Saddam

Saddam Hussein: Mohammed, speak now or forever hold your peace. What have you to say?

Joe Mohammed: The flying circus doctrine has increased our fighter organization by 10%!

Saddam Hussein: You were organized by Monty P…?

Joe Mohammed: Yes!

Saddam Hussein: The sky holds many mysteries, so true.

Joe Mohammed: We need bombers!

Saddam Hussein: If you value the lives of your family, your distant family, and anyone who has ever laid eyes on you, you will stop yelling and sit down NOW.

Joe Mohammed, trembling, slinks back into his leather padded chair.

Saddam Hussein: Joe Mahmoud, what of our navy?

Joe Mahmoud: Iraq doesn’t have a navy. However, our friends from Britain told us about this thing called ‘Combat Unit Transport Procedure.’ With this, we can build a transport!

Saddam Hussein: Build something half way between a yacht and an oil tanker. A dual use item, if you will. Call it a transport.

Saddam Hussein: oh, speaking of water! Dr. Hamza, how is the construction of my palace coming along? The one with the shark tanks, you know.

Khidir Hamza: Construction will be complete within 7 months at the current pace, but we can speed it up if you like.

Saddam Hussein: Yes! Speed it up! How are the sharks?

Minister of Health and Human Services: I can assure you that they are well fed, Comrade Saddam.

Saddam laughs an evil sounding laugh, so evil sounding that even Qusay stares.

Saddam Hussein: Excellent! There, that’s everything, isn’t it? Let us adjourn.

PriestOfDiscord · 27-03-2003, 07:09

This is really funny in a horribly innapropiate way. Like Metternick's USA AAR twisted into something far more amusingly sinister. Shame.

Very well written, and obviously you have been tweaking a few files. I'm guessing you made a few events too? I hope you keep it up.

Quote:

Tariq Aziz: As you can see on the left, Iran has become more FASCIST!!! This bodes we-… ill, for us. Ideologically, we face a possible enemy who could ally with the European fascists. Fortunately for us, Britain and the commonwealth have promised to help us in any such conflict with FASCISM.

We, of course, are not fascist. We are actually sort of democratic. We have a parliament and other cool stuff.

Bwahahahahahahaha

KonigMaximilian · 27-03-2003, 11:36

Lovely AAR I have to say

i love the content and have no quarals wiht what your doing, this should get intresting

I know that the moderator is keeping his Eagle eyes on you too so makes you more catius, but any way carry On looks to be a great AAR!

Maximilian I · 27-03-2003, 12:08

sounds like a really good aar!

a plea to all who want to comment this aar: please keep your comments strictly on topic: this aar. do not start a "war on iraq" discussion! those discussions belong into the off-topic forum.

thank you for your attention.

Uglyduck · 27-03-2003, 12:20

I also am watching

KonigMaximilian · 27-03-2003, 12:59

Um ok make that 3 bedy eyed moderators

lol, you know I love you guys lol, I agree keep things that Maximilian I in mind, dont want this really good AAR closed beacuse some one posts some thing horrible thats completly off topic, but looks like you also got good intrest from moderators which is handy to know!

Dan Cook · 27-03-2003, 14:02

You using different grahpics? The first pic looks weird.

Maximilian I · 27-03-2003, 14:08

Quote:

Originally posted by Dan Cook
You using different grahpics? The first pic looks weird.

it`s the Stony Road Gui, iirc.

Montemurro · 27-03-2003, 20:06

I can't breath, it's too funny

Williamtparis · 28-03-2003, 11:32

This AAR is making my day -so POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST

Dan Cook · 28-03-2003, 13:18

Quote:

Originally posted by Maximilian I
it`s the Stony Road Gui, iirc.

Ah.

NL_Oxcart · 28-03-2003, 14:33

Part 4)

Al-Thawrah
March 24, 1937
Um Qasr, Iraq

Yesterday, the construction was completed on the celebrated Iraqi Navy’s first ship. Saddam Hussein(’s double) graced the launching ceremony with his presence. Saddam Hussein decreed a national 1 hour stoppage of work for the purpose of celebration. In his speech, he said, “This is a great day for the nation of Iraq! We have a navy that rivals the glorious fleet of our ally’s Royal Navy. In Honor of the Queen Mum, this ship shall be named the HMS Saddam.” In honor of the triumph of Iraq’s ship building industry, there was much jubilation and drunkenness in the streets, marked by intermittent public executions.

The ship performs a dual role. It can carry oil in tanks of oil, and is thus an oil tanker. However, with slight modifications including the addition of a paper maché sail, the HMS Saddam can be transformed into a yacht.

January 15, 1938

Al-Thawrah
January 16, 1938
Baghdad, Iraq

Yesterday the Republican Guard’s Hamurabbi Division led the annual Iraqi military parade through the streets of Baghdad. Equipped with newly constructed vehicles, known as ‘tanks,’ the Republican Guard looked “smashing,” according to sources in the Ministry of Defence. Asked what armaments the tank boasted, a Republican Guard officer responded, “That’s classified.” However, sources say that the Iraqi tanks are the best in the world, and are clearly superior to anything produced in Germany.

Families stood by, watching the vehicles roll past. Onlookers snacked on all-beef hot-dogs, occasionally yelping, “We love the Republican Guard!” Hordes of infantry, well armed with muskets and Molotov cocktails, ran as fast as they could in a vain effort to keep up with the Tanks, which are thought to have a maximum speed of up to 23 miles per hour.

Soldiers from the Baghdad Republican Guard Division chase after the tanks.

NL_Oxcart · 28-03-2003, 14:35

Part 5)

Iraqi Cabinet Meeting
January 16, 1938
Baghdad, Iraq

Saddam Hussein: Ah, wasn’t it a wonderful decision to postpone our meeting until after the parade?

Joe Mohammed: A superb idea, sir! Decisions like these are characteristic of your brilliant leadership.

Saddam Hussein: But of course. So. General Ahmad, what is the status of our army?

General Ahmad: With the construction of our new tanks, we now have 5 Republican Guard divisions, along with the Fedayeen. The Nebuchadnezzar division is motorized, and the Hamurabbi division is, of course, equipped with some of the greatest tanks on earth. However, the Iranians now have 7 divisions, two of which fight on the backs of camels. We must keep building tanks!

Saddam Hussein: Let it be done. Al Medina’s tanks will glisten in the Arabian sun. Mahmoud, I love what you have done with the Navy.

Joe Mahmoud: The HMS Saddam is ready any time, day or night, for your yachting pleasure, sir!

Saddam Hussein: Yes, we shall have to go on a shark hunting expedition some time. I would like so much to have a Hammerhead, you know.

Qusay Hussein: Yes, they are so cute and lovable!

Saddam Hussein: Yes, perhaps we will go during Spring Break. But we should speak about developments in international affairs now. Tariq, tell us what has been happening in the world outside of Iraq.

Tariq Aziz: In the Soviet Union this year, there have been continuous purges. On August 2 and November 2, in particular, huge show trials occurred. We believe that this has weakened the Soviet military significantly.

Saddam puts his hand on his chin, and says softly:

Saddam Hussein: hmmm…. ah… mmm…..

Tariq Aziz: Also, our diplomats in Kabul have noticed a great increase in the number of Russians walking around. This evidence, along with the implementation of policies that can only be characterized as…… COMMUNIST!!! lead us to believe that Afghanistan may have joined the Commintern.

Saddam Hussein: Afghanistan will be Afghanistan, no? A most interesting development, indeed.

Tariq Aziz: Yes, the British have expressed great concern over these events to us. They have a, um, ‘historical interest’ in Afghanistan. It is a ‘great game’ thing, we think. They are rather concerned about the Soviet threat to India. As a result, they need allies in the region more than ever.

Qusay Hussein: We also have intelligence that the German army is expanding. You remember, father, all that talk about a Baghdad-Berlin railway before World War 1?

Saddam Hussein: These events are… cryptic. I will think on them. How does our Science progress, Dr. Hamza?

Khidir, who has been huffing and puffing throughout the entire meeting, occasionally raising his hand and then lowering it, bounces to his feet.

Khidir Hamza: WE HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF DECIMETRIC RADAR! BY OURSELVES! WITHOUT OUR ALLIES! You see, our Scientists labored over Arabic translations of books on quiltmaking. It seems that they were translated… quite… poorly. Finally, one of the scientists realized that they were actually reading about quilts! Within a day of this epiphany, we had learned everything there was to know about Decimetric Radar. It was marvelous. Yes. I will shut up now.

Khidir slowly sits down.

Khidir Hamza: As you can see, we have also been making progress in industry. We have expanded our industry in every province except for Baghdad.

Saddam Hussein: Indeed. Keep up the work in both areas, Dr. Hamza.

General Ahmad: The cadets at our Military Academy, with some… er… help from our allies, have written major papers on Naval Aviation Doctrine, Base Defence Doctrine, Pre-War Field Testing, Great War Experience Analysis, Static Defence Doctrine, Specialist Warfare Doctrine, Motorized Warfare Doctrine, Encirclement-Destruction Doctrine, Basic Equipment and Ordinance, Pre-War Field Testing, Early Infantry Weapons, Pre-War Field Testing, and Motorized HQs.

Saddam Hussein: That is very impressive. With this technology, surely the Iraqi army could conquer the world if it so chose. I was beginning to doubt your potential as a military leader, you know, General Ahmad.

General Ahmad gulps.

Saddam Hussein: While we are on the subject, what have we learned about… WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!?

Tariq Aziz: Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction. We have said before, Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction. Let them come, and they will find no weapons of mass destruction.

Saddam blinks, incredulously

Saddam Hussein: Oh… Yes, of course, I knew that. Hey, Khidir! I love my new palace! Excellent work with it!

Saddam points to the wall, on which there hangs a new painting.

Saddam Hussein: Look, it is an artistic rendition of daily life in the palace! Isn’t it wonderful? Look at the brush strokes. A masterpiece. And check out this photograph.

Saddam Hussein: It’s good to be king.

Qusay Hussein: Yes, indeed. If you were not king…

Saddam Hussein: Ah, the childish mischief you and your brother are always getting into. I am sure you will grow out of it with time.

Saddam Hussein: Meeting adjourned!

26-03-2003, 21:57	#1
NL_Oxcart Second Lieutenant Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 196	An Iraqi Odyssey ============================== Because of concerns that have been raised, I feel that at this point it is necessary to insert a note about this AAR to any readers: I am not planning on writing about gassing the kurds, using human shields, or anything like that. Just as one would not talk about or in any way glorify the holocaust in a German AAR or talk about liquidation of the kulaks when playing as the Soviets. I do not intend to declare war on America and recreate the current war. Hopefully that war will be over as soon as possible with as few deaths on all sides as possible. What is going on in Iraq is certainly not a game, and I do not mean to imply anything at like that. With the reference to the agriculture minister, for example, I was just attempting to give an accurate portrayal of the brutality of the Iraqi regime. If anyone has any other concerns, please tell me about them so that I can address them appropriately. ============================== Part 1) Nation: Iraq Version: 1.3b with modded files Time: 1936 to whenever Difficulty: Normal; Aggressiveness: Aggressive Screenshots: Hell Yes! Goals: Begin an Iraqi Renaissance, build up our armed forces, stifle all dissent, kill our own people, threaten our neighbors, and develop... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! It has begun. Financial Times March 15, 1934 Baghdad, Iraq A coup against the Iraqi government was launched yesterday by that country's Ba'ath party. The Ba'ath party is an Arab nationalist party that operates in Iraq, Syria, and other middle eastern countries. The coup was a total succes, as the Ba'ath party simultaneously gained control over the army and assasinated the former Iraqi President. British Government sources in MI5 indicate that the assasin may have been Saddam Hussein, a rising star in the Ba'ath movement. Hussein, born in Tikrit, is thought to be ruthless and entirely committed to the Ba'ath cause. The government is naturally distressed at this development, because of the control it formerly had over the Iraqi government. However, the Foreign office has already begun approaching the new Ba'ath government New York Times December 12 1935 Baghdad, Iraq Yesterday hundreds of political opponents of Saddam Hussein, the leader of the Iraqi Ba'ath party, were executed yesterday at a great purge conducted at a meeting of that party. With this move, Hussein has consolidated his control over Iraq and has essentially enthroned himself as dictator of Iraq. At a press conference yesterday, a state department representative said, "This purge issue is no concern of ours." In the past year, Iraq has managed to ally itself to Great Britain and the rest of the commonwealth. By this alliance Britain, afraid of a possible threat from Hitler's new Germany and wary of the rising Fascist movement in Iran (Persia), secures access to the rich oil fields of the middle east and a lever against Iran in case of war. Last edited by NL_Oxcart; 27-03-2003 at 02:34.

27-03-2003, 00:11	#2
NL_Oxcart Second Lieutenant Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 196	Part 2) Iraqi Cabinet Meeting January 1, 1936 Baghdad, Iraq Saddam Hussein: Well then, let us get to work. We shall begin with an examination of the state of the glorious Iraqi economy. Qusay Hussein: Excellent Idea, father. Tariq Aziz: Yes, a superb topic. Saddam Hussein: Yes. The way I see it, Iraq only has 21 industrial capacity. This is quite simply insufficient for the glory of Iraq. Every day we produce 220 units of oil, 40 of steel, and 15 coal, yet we only produce 21 --- Listen well --- *21!* units of industrial output per day! This must be changed. Khidir, take steps to upgrade our industrial capacity in all our provinces. Minister of Agriculture: But Saddam, with all due respect, we cannot upgrade our industrial output in either Al Turayf or Al Najaf because we have no industry there. Saddam Hussein: Minister of Agriculture, come into my office, I wish to have a short private discussion with you. Saddam enters his office, with the Minister of Agriculture following just behind. The door closes slowly. After about two minutes, the other ministers hear a loud bang. Khidir Hamza is puzzled by this. One minute later, Saddam opens the door, walks back to his chair at the head of the table, and says: Saddam Hussein: The great nation of Iraq no longer has need of a Minister of Agriculture. Saddam Hussein: However, my motto is "always look on the bright side of life." So, thanks to Qusay's efforts with recruitment, we have plenty of 3 million men available for service in our armed forces. Qusay grins and nods. Saddam Hussein: By the way, Khidir, do whatever you need to do on the world market to ensure the continued availability of resources to our industry. I don't want to know about it. Now, let us move on to other topics. Military topics. General Ahmad, please begin your presentation. Sultan Hashid Ahmad walks towards an easel and unfurls a map. General Ahmad: As you can see, the Iraqi Army consists of 5 divisions. We have 4 republican guard divisions and 1 Fedayeen Saddam Division, although they are not quite a conventional military force. You will have to talk to the honorable Qusay about them. Qusay Hussein: Ah, yes. They are loyal and well versed in the art of guerrilla warfare. We have learned much from Mao's little red book. General Ahmad: Exactly. Our Republican Guard divisions consist of the 1st Hamurabbi, the 2nd Al-Medina, the 3rd Baghdad, and the 6th Nebuchadnezzar. All, except the Nebuchadnezzar division, are at full strength. The Nebuchadnezzar division will soon be brought up to par with the rest. These divisions are not yet really elite, but they are becoming more loyal to the Ba'ath party with every purge. As time passes, they will be given better equipment. Basically, we took the old regular army and renamed it... Now, for a brief summary of the state of the air force, I turn over our presentation to Joe Mohammed. Joe Mohammed: The state of the Iraqi air force is... Judge for yourselves. We have one squadron of fighter planes at 30% strength. We have no anti-aircraft defences whatsoever, and we have absolutely nothing else. Saddam Hussein: Perhaps at some point we will purchase some obsolete biplanes from our friends, including the Soviets and the French. Surely that would be sufficient. Joe Mohammed: ... Saddam Hussein: Yes, lets talk about the navy now. Joe Mahmoud: Iraq has no navy. Saddam Hussein: Perhaps we will build a yacht or an oil tanker some time in the future. Maybe we can even fortify our small shore line around the Al Faq peninsula. You never know what kinds of amphibiuos assaults will pop up at you, after all. Yes, excellent idea. Saddam Hussein: As resources become available, we will expand and improve our armed forces, concentrating on the army. Now, I believe we should discuss technological matters. Khidir, how is reserach progressing? Khidir Hamza: On the electronics front, we will begin with a study of the mysteries of decimetric radar. Saddam Hussein: What in the world is that? Khidir Hamza: Well, one of my MIT textbooks said that if we worked on that, one day we might be able to play computer war games. Saddam smiles Saddam Hussein: Aha! Very good. Do proceed, Dr. Hamza. Khidir Hamza: In industry, we will research Hydrogenation, which will allow us to produce synthetic rubber for our industries. In the field of rocketry, we will consult the Houghton Mifflin textbook Basic Rocketry Design. Finally, in the nuclear field, we will try to reproduce Marie Curie's experiments with the phenomenon of radioactivity. It is our belief, you see, that we may be able to construct an enormously destructive bomb, which, if we develop rockets, we may be able to deliver anywhere in the world. Excellent! Now, how goes research in the field of military science? General Ahmad: We are not entirely sure what happened in the first world war. Our Fedayeen and Republican Guard have neither service rifles nor light mortars. However, I have been reading a most excellent book - by a German - Heinz Guderian. It is about armored warfare. It is very interesting indeed. And, you know, the desert around here is absolutely perfect terrain for armored warfare. Joe Mohammed: But, if we don't have air superiority... Saddam Hussein: Shhh, Mr. Mohammed. It is not your place to speak now. Khidir Hamza: Why don't we set up a military academy to gain knowledge of the military arts? People could think about better ways to kill people, it'd be great! Saddam Hussein: Yes, that is an absolutely superb idea! Why don't you two start with my relatives. Here, take this 'Ali' fellow. General Ahmad and Khidir Hamza scamper off to begin work. I see no particular reason to waste valuable resources on developing a better navy or air force at this juncture. Rather shall we concentrate our efforts primarily on industry and electronics, and then on our army and... WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!! Evil laugh. Goes on too long. Kind of like this italicized line of text, don't you think? Saddam Hussein: Let it be done. The meeting is adjourned. As the ministers get up from their chairs and begin to stretch, Saddam Hussein approaches his son, Qusay Saddam Hussein: I forgot to ask, how is our security and internal control? Qusay Hussein: Oh, it is excellent. Just you leave that to me. Just leave it to me. Last edited by NL_Oxcart; 27-03-2003 at 00:18.

27-03-2003, 01:34	#4
Lord Durham yAARn SpinAAR Moderator Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Mississauga, Eh! Posts: 6,347	NL_Oxcart, I've sent you a PM. I strongly advise that you keep this AAR under tight control and respect the tense situation existing in the world at present. __________________ Like graphic novels? Read the on-going adaptation of my short story The Marsh God. For more adventures of Dalacroy read Night of the Meld, The Marsh God and Homecoming. The last 2 were winners of Best Short SF&F Story for 2005 & 2006; Preditors & Editors Readers Poll. Visit my Website for story excerpts. Now available: Valley of Bones, in the anthology Return of the Sword. Valley of Bones finished 7th in the 2008 P&E Best Short SF&F Story category. Coming soon: Yaggoth-Voor in the anthology Rage of the Behemoth Visit The official site of Conan author Robert E. Howard and drop by the Community Forums. For a complete list of my AARs go to The Ink Well

27-03-2003, 03:45	#6
OHgamer Victoria's Plastic Surgeon Moderator Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: In Columbus OH, but dreaming of the White Isle..... Posts: 17,278	Ruling from the womb.... Interesting concept, considering Saddam Husayn wasn't born until 1937 I believe...a pre-natal administration perhaps. __________________ Victoria II Official Forum Victoria II Out NOW Clio : A map project for Victoria:Revolutions by XieChengnuo and OHGamer Latest Updates Clio's Iron Heart : A map project for Hearts of Iron 3 by OHgamer and XieChengnuo VIP:R 0.4 Now Available (congrats & well done Palisadoes and the VIP:R team!) VickyWiki : The best guide to Victoria I's intricacies and foibles. And Now VickyWiki2 The Official Forum For CORE and VIP VIP2 Forum now OPEN Vic:Rev 2.01 + VIP:R 0.4 = Correct install order for VIP:R Dietmar1982's rework of Gotikiller's POP splitter tool - split Victoria I POPs the easy way

27-03-2003, 05:19	#8
NL_Oxcart Second Lieutenant Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 196	Part 3) Le Monde October 15 1936 Madrid, Spain The Spanish civil war ended yesterday, in total Republican defeat, leaving General Franco the leader of Spain. Resistance in Madrid was sporadic as the Nationalists marched in; much of the local population cheered the Nationalists on in what was almost a victory parade. The Nationalist n victory has led some to question the government’s decision not to aid the Republicans; perhaps, they argue, if France had helped, France would not now face possible threats on three fronts, from Fascist Germany, Italy, and Spain. Some commentators have jokingly suggested that the Maginot line be expanded along all of France’s borders with every country --- and the sea. The Times November 11 1936 Khartoum, Sudan The Italian bid to conquer Ethiopia, the Abyssinian war, ended yesterday with victory for the Italians, but their victory was not without cost. The initial Italian attack was two pronged, with thrusts into Ethiopian territory from both Italian Somaliland and from Eritrea. After difficult fighting against Ethiopiopian tribesman in the initial battles, the Italians managed to break through. Within By September, Addis Ababba was surrounded by Italian forces. The Ethiopians retreated into the city, but cut off from all aid and surrounded, with inferior weapons, they were no match for the modern Italian army. The emperor, Haile Selassie, finally gave up resistance yesterday, ending his country’s brave stand. Liberia is now the only part of Africa not under European control. Iraqi Cabinet Meeting January 1, 1936 Baghdad, Iraq Saddam Hussein: Let us begin our yearly review meeting. Sit down all, have a glass of water – it’s taken straight from the Euphrates! Saddam Hussein: So, Dr. Hamza, how did our industrialization campaign go? Khidir Hamza: It was a total success, of course, dear leader. We managed to expand in … all … our provinces. Our industrial capacity increased by 5, up to 26. That is 24% growth in GDP! Write it up in Pra… Yes. I would suggest, however, that we not build any more industry in Baghdad in the future. Baghdad already has 11 IC, and because of decreasing marginal utility, it is simply not worth our while to expand it any further. We would do better to invest in research. Saddam Hussein: Excellent work, Khidir. Continue expanding our industry in every city except for Baghdad then. How has our trade on the world market gone? Khidir Hamza: It has actually gone very well. By trading our immense surpluses of oil, we have been able to build up substantial reserves of coal, steal, and rubber. We are doing very well in this area. Saddam Hussein: Let us move to other subjects – international affairs. As you know, there have been two major wars in the last two years as well as a number of other incidents, among which are the re-election of Franklin Delano Roosevelt as President of the United States, and of course the Iran problem. Let us begin with Iran; Tariq, to the blackboard. Tariq Aziz waddles towards the blackboard. By the blackboard is only a very small piece of chalk. Tariq scratches the board, which produces a painful shrieking sound that hurts Sadam’s ears. Wise men do not hurt Saddam’s ears. But then again, Tariq Aziz is an iron fisted brute. No wonder his hands scratched the chalkboard. Tariq Aziz: Well, if one draws a political compass, this is… Tariq draws, nearly running out of chalk and occasionally scratching the chalkboard. Tariq Aziz: As you can see on the left, Iran has become more FASCIST!!! This bodes we-… ill, for us. Ideologically, we face a possible enemy who could ally with the European fascists. Fortunately for us, Britain and the commonwealth have promised to help us in any such conflict with FASCISM. We, of course, are not fascist. We are actually sort of democratic. We have a parliament and other cool stuff. Saddam chuckles Uday Hussein (visiting psychopath) – Enough of these graphs. I don’t understand. Talk about death and killing! Saddam Hussein: Alright son. General Ahmad, give us your analysis of the two conflicts. General Ahmad: The Italians actually had a great deal of trouble conquering Ethiopia. The only thing that saved them from disaster was that they attacked from two fronts, which separated enemy resistance. They attacked with infantry not supported by tanks, which enabled the poorly equipped Ethiopians to inflict heavy casualties on the Italians in the opening battles. But following these battles, the Italians encircled the enemy, which effectively spelled doom for the Ethiopians. The lessons of this war are the importance of attacking from more than one place at once and of surrounding the enemy. General Ahmad: The Spanish civil war was clearly a great victory for the Nationalists. They won because they had superior equipment and the leadership to make use of it effectively. In my opinion, it was the tanks provided by Germany that guaranteed victory for Franco. Joe Mohammed: But it was the Stuka… Uday begins foaming at the mouth, at which point he is led out of the cabinet meeting by 2 bodyguards. There is a small commotion. Saddam Hussein: Silence! Continue, General Ahmad. General Ahmad: Yes, I think we would do well to begin building our own tanks. Saddam Hussein: Good, then it is settled. We will equip the Hamurrabi division with the best armor that Iraqi industry can produce. Now, let us turn to research. Khidir, how goes our research into Decimetric Radar? Khidir Hamza: Ummm, we have worked on the problem with all our efforts for an entire year, but we simply do not have enough resources devoted to research to make significant progress. However, our dear friends from the Western world have shared their knowledge of technologies with us. Saddam Hussein: Ah yes, it is good to have allies. I have two questions for you, Dr. Hamza. 1) Why were we given Great War Experience Analysis twice? You went to MIT, I thought you were smart. Why do you need to be taught twice? Perhaps this failure on your part is responsible for our lack of progress in research. 2) Flying Circus… Monty… ? Khidir Hamza: Well, on your first point, we were given Great War Naval Experience Analysis and Great War Air Experience Analysis. You see, the experiences of the great war were very different in the air than they were in the sea. Thus the differing analyses from our respective friends. On the second point, I am at a loss to comprehend your great intelligence, your sharp wit, your drooping moustache. Dr. Hamza bows before Saddam Saddam Hussein: Mohammed, speak now or forever hold your peace. What have you to say? Joe Mohammed: The flying circus doctrine has increased our fighter organization by 10%! Saddam Hussein: You were organized by Monty P…? Joe Mohammed: Yes! Saddam Hussein: The sky holds many mysteries, so true. Joe Mohammed: We need bombers! Saddam Hussein: If you value the lives of your family, your distant family, and anyone who has ever laid eyes on you, you will stop yelling and sit down NOW. Joe Mohammed, trembling, slinks back into his leather padded chair. Saddam Hussein: Joe Mahmoud, what of our navy? Joe Mahmoud: Iraq doesn’t have a navy. However, our friends from Britain told us about this thing called ‘Combat Unit Transport Procedure.’ With this, we can build a transport! Saddam Hussein: Build something half way between a yacht and an oil tanker. A dual use item, if you will. Call it a transport. Saddam Hussein: oh, speaking of water! Dr. Hamza, how is the construction of my palace coming along? The one with the shark tanks, you know. Khidir Hamza: Construction will be complete within 7 months at the current pace, but we can speed it up if you like. Saddam Hussein: Yes! Speed it up! How are the sharks? Minister of Health and Human Services: I can assure you that they are well fed, Comrade Saddam. Saddam laughs an evil sounding laugh, so evil sounding that even Qusay stares. Saddam Hussein: Excellent! There, that’s everything, isn’t it? Let us adjourn. Last edited by NL_Oxcart; 28-03-2003 at 14:34.

27-03-2003, 00:38	#3
Maddogg1178 Captain Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: Seattle Posts: 456	uhhhhh intresting aar to say the least

27-03-2003, 02:32	#5
NL_Oxcart Second Lieutenant Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 196	Because of concerns that have been raised, I feel that at this point it is necessary to insert a note about this AAR to any readers: I am not planning on writing about gassing the kurds, using human shields, or anything like that. Just as one would not talk about or in any way glorify the holocaust in a German AAR or talk about liquidation of the kulaks when playing as the Soviets. I do not intend to declare war on America and recreate the current war. Hopefully that war will be over as soon as possible with as few deaths on all sides as possible. What is going on in Iraq is certainly not a game, and I do not mean to imply anything at like that. With the reference to the agriculture minister, for example, I was just attempting to give an accurate portrayal of the brutality of the Iraqi regime. If anyone has any other concerns, please tell me about them so that I can address them appropriately.

27-03-2003, 11:36	#10
KonigMaximilian General Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Kaiserreich Deutschland Posts: 1,709	Lovely AAR I have to say i love the content and have no quarals wiht what your doing, this should get intresting I know that the moderator is keeping his Eagle eyes on you too so makes you more catius, but any way carry On looks to be a great AAR!

27-03-2003, 12:08	#11
Maximilian I Bierbrauer Join Date: Oct 2000 Location: Beer Country Posts: 9,272	sounds like a really good aar! a plea to all who want to comment this aar: please keep your comments strictly on topic: this aar. do not start a "war on iraq" discussion! those discussions belong into the off-topic forum. thank you for your attention. __________________ Wir wollen auch sonderlichen/das füran allenthalben in unsern Stetten/ Märckthen/un auff dem Lannde/zu kainem Pier/ merer stückh/ dan allain Gersten/ Hop= fen/ un wasser/ genomen un gepraucht solle werdn. in retirement 9000 posts and no custom avatar

27-03-2003, 12:20	#12
Uglyduck Still Young at Heart! Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Anywhere I choose. Posts: 4,474	I also am watching __________________ Without Fear or Favour I will smite the Uncouth and will succour the Couth For politeness is paramount on this Board. Take a Trolls bait and risk sharing their fate! "You would think that fans of the kinds of Games that Paradox makes would have something other than wood between the ears but it doesnt appear to work that way. A good strategy brain doesnt appear to always go with common sense."

27-03-2003, 12:59	#13
KonigMaximilian General Join Date: Jul 2002 Location: Kaiserreich Deutschland Posts: 1,709	Um ok make that 3 bedy eyed moderators lol, you know I love you guys lol, I agree keep things that Maximilian I in mind, dont want this really good AAR closed beacuse some one posts some thing horrible thats completly off topic, but looks like you also got good intrest from moderators which is handy to know!

27-03-2003, 14:02	#14
Dan Cook Field Marshal Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Cornfields Posts: 3,374	You using different grahpics? The first pic looks weird. __________________ [size=1]Midwest Storm Chasing

27-03-2003, 20:06	#16
Montemurro Worker Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Monsterdiscohell Posts: 1,186	I can't breath, it's too funny __________________ Ferrea Mole, Ferreo Cuore. ------------------------- Stop global whining! ------------------------- Last.fm / My profile / Please join the Paradoxians at last.fm! Pretty please with sugar on top, we need YOU so bad! / Last.fm thread at Paradox OT ------------------------- Managing in the East, Football Manager 2006 AAR. Abruptly abandoned in November '08.

28-03-2003, 11:32	#17
Williamtparis Sergeant Join Date: Sep 2001 Location: UK Posts: 97	POOOOOOOOOOST This AAR is making my day -so POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOST Last edited by Williamtparis; 28-03-2003 at 16:11.

28-03-2003, 14:33	#19
NL_Oxcart Second Lieutenant Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 196	Part 4) Al-Thawrah March 24, 1937 Um Qasr, Iraq Yesterday, the construction was completed on the celebrated Iraqi Navy’s first ship. Saddam Hussein(’s double) graced the launching ceremony with his presence. Saddam Hussein decreed a national 1 hour stoppage of work for the purpose of celebration. In his speech, he said, “This is a great day for the nation of Iraq! We have a navy that rivals the glorious fleet of our ally’s Royal Navy. In Honor of the Queen Mum, this ship shall be named the HMS Saddam.” In honor of the triumph of Iraq’s ship building industry, there was much jubilation and drunkenness in the streets, marked by intermittent public executions. The ship performs a dual role. It can carry oil in tanks of oil, and is thus an oil tanker. However, with slight modifications including the addition of a paper maché sail, the HMS Saddam can be transformed into a yacht. January 15, 1938 Al-Thawrah January 16, 1938 Baghdad, Iraq Yesterday the Republican Guard’s Hamurabbi Division led the annual Iraqi military parade through the streets of Baghdad. Equipped with newly constructed vehicles, known as ‘tanks,’ the Republican Guard looked “smashing,” according to sources in the Ministry of Defence. Asked what armaments the tank boasted, a Republican Guard officer responded, “That’s classified.” However, sources say that the Iraqi tanks are the best in the world, and are clearly superior to anything produced in Germany. Families stood by, watching the vehicles roll past. Onlookers snacked on all-beef hot-dogs, occasionally yelping, “We love the Republican Guard!” Hordes of infantry, well armed with muskets and Molotov cocktails, ran as fast as they could in a vain effort to keep up with the Tanks, which are thought to have a maximum speed of up to 23 miles per hour. Soldiers from the Baghdad Republican Guard Division chase after the tanks.

28-03-2003, 14:35	#20
NL_Oxcart Second Lieutenant Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 196	Part 5) Iraqi Cabinet Meeting January 16, 1938 Baghdad, Iraq Saddam Hussein: Ah, wasn’t it a wonderful decision to postpone our meeting until after the parade? Joe Mohammed: A superb idea, sir! Decisions like these are characteristic of your brilliant leadership. Saddam Hussein: But of course. So. General Ahmad, what is the status of our army? General Ahmad: With the construction of our new tanks, we now have 5 Republican Guard divisions, along with the Fedayeen. The Nebuchadnezzar division is motorized, and the Hamurabbi division is, of course, equipped with some of the greatest tanks on earth. However, the Iranians now have 7 divisions, two of which fight on the backs of camels. We must keep building tanks! Saddam Hussein: Let it be done. Al Medina’s tanks will glisten in the Arabian sun. Mahmoud, I love what you have done with the Navy. Joe Mahmoud: The HMS Saddam is ready any time, day or night, for your yachting pleasure, sir! Saddam Hussein: Yes, we shall have to go on a shark hunting expedition some time. I would like so much to have a Hammerhead, you know. Qusay Hussein: Yes, they are so cute and lovable! Saddam Hussein: Yes, perhaps we will go during Spring Break. But we should speak about developments in international affairs now. Tariq, tell us what has been happening in the world outside of Iraq. Tariq Aziz: In the Soviet Union this year, there have been continuous purges. On August 2 and November 2, in particular, huge show trials occurred. We believe that this has weakened the Soviet military significantly. Saddam puts his hand on his chin, and says softly: Saddam Hussein: hmmm…. ah… mmm….. Tariq Aziz: Also, our diplomats in Kabul have noticed a great increase in the number of Russians walking around. This evidence, along with the implementation of policies that can only be characterized as…… COMMUNIST!!! lead us to believe that Afghanistan may have joined the Commintern. Saddam Hussein: Afghanistan will be Afghanistan, no? A most interesting development, indeed. Tariq Aziz: Yes, the British have expressed great concern over these events to us. They have a, um, ‘historical interest’ in Afghanistan. It is a ‘great game’ thing, we think. They are rather concerned about the Soviet threat to India. As a result, they need allies in the region more than ever. Qusay Hussein: We also have intelligence that the German army is expanding. You remember, father, all that talk about a Baghdad-Berlin railway before World War 1? Saddam Hussein: These events are… cryptic. I will think on them. How does our Science progress, Dr. Hamza? Khidir, who has been huffing and puffing throughout the entire meeting, occasionally raising his hand and then lowering it, bounces to his feet. Khidir Hamza: WE HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET OF DECIMETRIC RADAR! BY OURSELVES! WITHOUT OUR ALLIES! You see, our Scientists labored over Arabic translations of books on quiltmaking. It seems that they were translated… quite… poorly. Finally, one of the scientists realized that they were actually reading about quilts! Within a day of this epiphany, we had learned everything there was to know about Decimetric Radar. It was marvelous. Yes. I will shut up now. Khidir slowly sits down. Khidir Hamza: As you can see, we have also been making progress in industry. We have expanded our industry in every province except for Baghdad. Saddam Hussein: Indeed. Keep up the work in both areas, Dr. Hamza. General Ahmad: The cadets at our Military Academy, with some… er… help from our allies, have written major papers on Naval Aviation Doctrine, Base Defence Doctrine, Pre-War Field Testing, Great War Experience Analysis, Static Defence Doctrine, Specialist Warfare Doctrine, Motorized Warfare Doctrine, Encirclement-Destruction Doctrine, Basic Equipment and Ordinance, Pre-War Field Testing, Early Infantry Weapons, Pre-War Field Testing, and Motorized HQs. Saddam Hussein: That is very impressive. With this technology, surely the Iraqi army could conquer the world if it so chose. I was beginning to doubt your potential as a military leader, you know, General Ahmad. General Ahmad gulps. Saddam Hussein: While we are on the subject, what have we learned about… WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!? Tariq Aziz: Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction. We have said before, Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction. Let them come, and they will find no weapons of mass destruction. Saddam blinks, incredulously Saddam Hussein: Oh… Yes, of course, I knew that. Hey, Khidir! I love my new palace! Excellent work with it! Saddam points to the wall, on which there hangs a new painting. Saddam Hussein: Look, it is an artistic rendition of daily life in the palace! Isn’t it wonderful? Look at the brush strokes. A masterpiece. And check out this photograph. Saddam Hussein: It’s good to be king. Qusay Hussein: Yes, indeed. If you were not king… Saddam Hussein: Ah, the childish mischief you and your brother are always getting into. I am sure you will grow out of it with time. Saddam Hussein: Meeting adjourned!