Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem

J. Passepartout · 13-01-2003, 12:20

There was a nation, 6 centuries ago, call the Mameluks. They were muslims, and therefore had a prohibition on drinking of alcohol. But, on the third of January, 1419, the men of the court got an allowance to do so from the Caliph, for only one day...

The Kingdom of Jerusalem was created January third, 1419. Certainly an unintended consequence.

J. Passepartout · 13-01-2003, 13:03

King Perissac arrived in his palace at Jerusalem. Clapping his hands he said "Mr. Henry, attend. Quickly." Mr. Henry was the finance minister. He attended. Quickly. "Yes, sir?" "What is our financial situation?" "Awful. We have absolutely no money." "Mint as much as possible. I would have thought someone even as dense as you would think of that" "We're still losing 2 Dinars a month that way." "Then take a loan, you idiot. Mr. Kissimder, tell the Mamelukes we are canceling our vassalisation to them in order to make money at years end. Mr. Thingy, have an army built."

Three months later.

"We really need money, My Lord" said Mr. Henry. "Very well. I want war declared on the Hedjaz."

The army went to Syria and laid siege. Then, due to our bad luck, the Mamelukes declared war. "Oh, well," said King Perissac. "They will never get anything from us, and I can easily escape." A peace was later made giving the Mamelukes 26 Dinars, even though they controlled all of the country, and we continued on our merry way forcing the Hedjaz to give us all their provinces except Mecca.

Norgesvenn · 13-01-2003, 13:14

You've certainly not chosen the easiest of countries to play, J.P.

Languish · 13-01-2003, 14:20

I have a horrible feeling this is all going to end in tears...

J. Passepartout · 14-01-2003, 00:36

It is very likely going to end in tears, as I need to conquer vast territories in order to make money.

Probably no update tonight, as I have just enough time to check the forum.

heagarty · 14-01-2003, 04:47

Alright!

There was once one other attempt at this, but it consisted only of a lengthy post explaining the file edits, and maybe my post saying I was looking forward to it.

Thank you for taking this on, it should be a lot of fun.

Good luck with it!

J. Passepartout · 15-01-2003, 12:58

A short time afterwards, King Perissac called his ministers in. "We need to swing over to the east if we want easy money. The Timurid scientists have discovered how to make gold from emus." "We don't have any emus, Your Majesty" said Lord Norgesvenn. "Shut up you fool! Just because your family formerly had the right to farm nonexistant animals doesn't mean you can raise them!" "But..." "TICKLE HIM!!!" "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" This atrocity quickly was spread throughout th kingdom. "Now that that's clear, I'm replacing you all with myself, so get out!

Now, where's that paper so I can send the declaration of war..."

Army-Leader-Guys Heagarty and Languish marched off through the Calphate, and instead of sieging those provinces, captured a bunch of Timurid provinces. "We want your emu-to-gold device!" shouted Army-Leader-Guy Heagarty. "No way, Jose." "Oh, can we have a province then?" "Okay. Have this one." Although the province revolted and defected back to the Timurid Empire, we were now making 1 Dinar a month.

"Lord Norgesvenn. I want you to convert Medina and Arabia to the One True Faith." "Which Faith would that be?" "TICKLE HIM!!! NEVER ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!"

Norgesvenn · 15-01-2003, 13:07

I notice that my alter ego has about the same relationship with religion as myself.

Now this tale is a ticklish one.

J. Passepartout · 15-01-2003, 13:16

I suppose you're wondering if you'll be the only one who'll be tickled. The answer to that is yes.

*Nikolai II* · 15-01-2003, 13:17

I've heard of children resulting from drunken binges, but nations...

heagarty · 15-01-2003, 15:55

Turn Provinces into Dinars! Fast and Effective! No Money Down!

And thus, the first real-estate fraud was born in (unnamed Caliphate province)!

Commandante · 15-01-2003, 16:37

If this was the result of starting do drink alcohol, whatever will happen when they start eating pork?

J. Passepartout · 16-01-2003, 12:54

Lord Norgesvenn looked worriedly at the people massed before him. "Um, yeah, Catholics are better than Muslims because, ah, we were here first. Er, yeah, that's right. So convert. Please. I'll pay you all money from the pocket of the Sultan of Swing." King Perissac had recently taken to calling himself that. Lord Norgesvenn was hoping to get into favor with Perissac (who never spent his own money, as he such an able administrator he could cook books) and converting these people would help. However, the people weren't so concerned with anyones spot at court. "KILL HIM!!!" they shouted. Lord Norgesvenn ran as fast as his legs could go. He arrived at the army camp in Arabia province, hundreds of miles away, in six seconds. "Did you hear them? They're going to kioll me!" Then he realised the army wasn't there.

Fighty-Guys Heagarty and Languish stood in their balcony, ready to kill everyone in the Arabian peninsula if Lord Norgesvenn made a mistake again. Langush wispered to Heagarty "Weren't we Army-Leader-Guys before?" "Yes, but the author of this story thought Fighty-Guy is better." Lord Norgesvenn thumped his Bible. "Catholics get to drink wine. And also pork. We drink pork and wine. I mean we eat pork and wine. Oh, never mind. However, if you convert I'll find you all good wives." The people converted as they knew their glorious nation had resulted from wine and they wanted to know what making countries was like.

"Hey, Your Majesty, we should get some colonies. I mean, we've got all these good-for-nothings around." said the man on the street. "Hmmm, if you are the man on the street, and I am talking to you in my throne room, you must not exist." "Oh, right." The man in the throne room disappeared in a puff of smoke. "That was a good idea, though. NIKOLAI.

GO TO SOMALIA."

A letter was recieved that day:

Dear Perissac,

We, the Ethiopians, garantee your independence.

The Ethiopians
Dictated but not read.

"Someone is playing a joke, methinks, as we don't know about these so called Ethiopians. Servant Commandante, tickle Lord Norgesvenn until he confesses."

*Nikolai II* · 16-01-2003, 13:08

And now colonies spring from a drunkards delusions of men in(side?) the street.

But I guess I brought my glorious appointment to peaceful Somalia upon myself.

Also, the colonys subsequent (expected) destruction can easily explain why the next Nikolai will be No2.

Norgesvenn · 16-01-2003, 13:09

If there's one thing I'd like to see before I croak, it's a Bible-thumping Norgesvenn trying to convert the infidels.

And I see that I'm tickled again.

Commandante · 17-01-2003, 08:23

TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICK!

Now that will teach you, Norg! You've been a baaaaad boy, bad boy!

TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICK!

Norgesvenn · 17-01-2003, 12:39

Mmmm.... yes! Tickle me! Now!

Jebus! I have to seek professional help!

Jarlen av Juks · 17-01-2003, 12:57

Wine, religion and inflation out of control.

Excellent combo!

heagarty · 17-01-2003, 15:58

Quote:

Originally posted by Norgesvenn

Jebus! I have to seek professional help!

And from the Completely-Random-Humor- Department:

Jebus: It is identified with Jerusalem, and with the castle or city of David in the land captured from the Jebusites when the people of Moses crossed the Jordan River.

Thus, Mr. Norgesvenn has correctly role-played his part in the story, returning back to mother-Jerusalem to a place of security where he can seek aid and comfort before venturing forth again to covert the unwashed masses.....

...or perhaps he was simply referencing one of the many parodies of a popular religion.

"Ah! Help me Jebus!" - Homer Simpson, Missionary

Please give him as much credit or criticism as you see fit.

Arilou · 18-01-2003, 22:46

Mr. Passport: You are mad.

I'm just waiting for a "round the world in 400 years" AAR.

13-01-2003, 12:20	#1
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem There was a nation, 6 centuries ago, call the Mameluks. They were muslims, and therefore had a prohibition on drinking of alcohol. But, on the third of January, 1419, the men of the court got an allowance to do so from the Caliph, for only one day... The Kingdom of Jerusalem was created January third, 1419. Certainly an unintended consequence. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

13-01-2003, 13:03	#2
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	King Perissac arrived in his palace at Jerusalem. Clapping his hands he said "Mr. Henry, attend. Quickly." Mr. Henry was the finance minister. He attended. Quickly. "Yes, sir?" "What is our financial situation?" "Awful. We have absolutely no money." "Mint as much as possible. I would have thought someone even as dense as you would think of that" "We're still losing 2 Dinars a month that way." "Then take a loan, you idiot. Mr. Kissimder, tell the Mamelukes we are canceling our vassalisation to them in order to make money at years end. Mr. Thingy, have an army built." Three months later. "We really need money, My Lord" said Mr. Henry. "Very well. I want war declared on the Hedjaz." The army went to Syria and laid siege. Then, due to our bad luck, the Mamelukes declared war. "Oh, well," said King Perissac. "They will never get anything from us, and I can easily escape." A peace was later made giving the Mamelukes 26 Dinars, even though they controlled all of the country, and we continued on our merry way forcing the Hedjaz to give us all their provinces except Mecca. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

13-01-2003, 13:14	#3
Norgesvenn LurkAAR Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Middle of nowhere, Norway Posts: 3,460	You've certainly not chosen the easiest of countries to play, J.P. __________________ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - John Kenneth Galbraith

13-01-2003, 14:20	#4
Languish Fighting the Boredom Join Date: Apr 2002 Location: Woking, Surrey Posts: 3,588	I have a horrible feeling this is all going to end in tears... __________________ France (EU1) - Vinland (EU1) - Burgundy (EU2)

14-01-2003, 00:36	#5
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	It is very likely going to end in tears, as I need to conquer vast territories in order to make money. Probably no update tonight, as I have just enough time to check the forum. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

14-01-2003, 04:47	#6
heagarty Who? Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: on location Posts: 2,162	Alright! There was once one other attempt at this, but it consisted only of a lengthy post explaining the file edits, and maybe my post saying I was looking forward to it. Thank you for taking this on, it should be a lot of fun. Good luck with it! __________________ "Brevity is....wit" The only AAR I still take credit for: Can Morbidly Obese Bavarians Conquer China? Tales of the Gluttonic Knights! (OscAAR Winner!) Maps My musical link-try it.

15-01-2003, 12:58	#7
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	A short time afterwards, King Perissac called his ministers in. "We need to swing over to the east if we want easy money. The Timurid scientists have discovered how to make gold from emus." "We don't have any emus, Your Majesty" said Lord Norgesvenn. "Shut up you fool! Just because your family formerly had the right to farm nonexistant animals doesn't mean you can raise them!" "But..." "TICKLE HIM!!!" "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" This atrocity quickly was spread throughout th kingdom. "Now that that's clear, I'm replacing you all with myself, so get out! Now, where's that paper so I can send the declaration of war..." Army-Leader-Guys Heagarty and Languish marched off through the Calphate, and instead of sieging those provinces, captured a bunch of Timurid provinces. "We want your emu-to-gold device!" shouted Army-Leader-Guy Heagarty. "No way, Jose." "Oh, can we have a province then?" "Okay. Have this one." Although the province revolted and defected back to the Timurid Empire, we were now making 1 Dinar a month. "Lord Norgesvenn. I want you to convert Medina and Arabia to the One True Faith." "Which Faith would that be?" "TICKLE HIM!!! NEVER ASK STUPID QUESTIONS!" __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

15-01-2003, 13:07	#8
Norgesvenn LurkAAR Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Middle of nowhere, Norway Posts: 3,460	I notice that my alter ego has about the same relationship with religion as myself. Now this tale is a ticklish one. __________________ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - John Kenneth Galbraith

15-01-2003, 13:16	#9
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	I suppose you're wondering if you'll be the only one who'll be tickled. The answer to that is yes. __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

15-01-2003, 13:17	#10
Nikolai II A bunny with a hat Moderator Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Chateau Maison, Sweden Posts: 8,057	I've heard of children resulting from drunken binges, but nations... __________________ FSM! I am convinced. Are you? IPU! I have faith. Do you?

15-01-2003, 15:55	#11
heagarty Who? Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: on location Posts: 2,162	Turn Provinces into Dinars! Fast and Effective! No Money Down! And thus, the first real-estate fraud was born in (unnamed Caliphate province)! __________________ "Brevity is....wit" The only AAR I still take credit for: Can Morbidly Obese Bavarians Conquer China? Tales of the Gluttonic Knights! (OscAAR Winner!) Maps My musical link-try it.

15-01-2003, 16:37	#12
Commandante Quadratish. Praktisch. Gut. Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Umeå, Sweden Posts: 1,481	If this was the result of starting do drink alcohol, whatever will happen when they start eating pork? __________________ EU2 AAR: "Ich bin ein Berliner": The Brandenburger AAR with screenies! (not finished) Guest-starring in: We Come only to Dream: Songs from the Mat of the Eagles by Gaijin de Moscu Broken Spears: Stories of Jaguar Knights of Tlaxcala also by Gaijin de Moscu

16-01-2003, 12:54	#13
J. Passepartout Shah Space Invader Join Date: Apr 2002 Posts: 4,208	Lord Norgesvenn looked worriedly at the people massed before him. "Um, yeah, Catholics are better than Muslims because, ah, we were here first. Er, yeah, that's right. So convert. Please. I'll pay you all money from the pocket of the Sultan of Swing." King Perissac had recently taken to calling himself that. Lord Norgesvenn was hoping to get into favor with Perissac (who never spent his own money, as he such an able administrator he could cook books) and converting these people would help. However, the people weren't so concerned with anyones spot at court. "KILL HIM!!!" they shouted. Lord Norgesvenn ran as fast as his legs could go. He arrived at the army camp in Arabia province, hundreds of miles away, in six seconds. "Did you hear them? They're going to kioll me!" Then he realised the army wasn't there. Fighty-Guys Heagarty and Languish stood in their balcony, ready to kill everyone in the Arabian peninsula if Lord Norgesvenn made a mistake again. Langush wispered to Heagarty "Weren't we Army-Leader-Guys before?" "Yes, but the author of this story thought Fighty-Guy is better." Lord Norgesvenn thumped his Bible. "Catholics get to drink wine. And also pork. We drink pork and wine. I mean we eat pork and wine. Oh, never mind. However, if you convert I'll find you all good wives." The people converted as they knew their glorious nation had resulted from wine and they wanted to know what making countries was like. "Hey, Your Majesty, we should get some colonies. I mean, we've got all these good-for-nothings around." said the man on the street. "Hmmm, if you are the man on the street, and I am talking to you in my throne room, you must not exist." "Oh, right." The man in the throne room disappeared in a puff of smoke. "That was a good idea, though. NIKOLAI. GO TO SOMALIA." A letter was recieved that day: Dear Perissac, We, the Ethiopians, garantee your independence. The Ethiopians Dictated but not read. "Someone is playing a joke, methinks, as we don't know about these so called Ethiopians. Servant Commandante, tickle Lord Norgesvenn until he confesses." __________________ Herr Passepartout und Austria Tales da iberia- Portugal Sultans of Swing- Kingdom of Jerusalem. Little Green Men Timid Timurids? The Post-Lenkh Years; or I was a teenage dictator The Golden Pig and the Concrete Porker: A Rather Silly Story

16-01-2003, 13:08	#14
Nikolai II A bunny with a hat Moderator Join Date: Nov 2001 Location: Chateau Maison, Sweden Posts: 8,057	And now colonies spring from a drunkards delusions of men in(side?) the street. But I guess I brought my glorious appointment to peaceful Somalia upon myself. Also, the colonys subsequent (expected) destruction can easily explain why the next Nikolai will be No2. __________________ FSM! I am convinced. Are you? IPU! I have faith. Do you?

16-01-2003, 13:09	#15
Norgesvenn LurkAAR Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Middle of nowhere, Norway Posts: 3,460	If there's one thing I'd like to see before I croak, it's a Bible-thumping Norgesvenn trying to convert the infidels. And I see that I'm tickled again. __________________ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - John Kenneth Galbraith

17-01-2003, 08:23	#16
Commandante Quadratish. Praktisch. Gut. Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Umeå, Sweden Posts: 1,481	TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICK! Now that will teach you, Norg! You've been a baaaaad boy, bad boy! TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICKLE-TICK! __________________ EU2 AAR: "Ich bin ein Berliner": The Brandenburger AAR with screenies! (not finished) Guest-starring in: We Come only to Dream: Songs from the Mat of the Eagles by Gaijin de Moscu Broken Spears: Stories of Jaguar Knights of Tlaxcala also by Gaijin de Moscu

17-01-2003, 12:39	#17
Norgesvenn LurkAAR Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Middle of nowhere, Norway Posts: 3,460	Mmmm.... yes! Tickle me! Now! Jebus! I have to seek professional help! __________________ Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. - John Kenneth Galbraith

17-01-2003, 12:57	#18
Jarlen av Juks Taskenspiller Extraordinaire Join Date: Aug 2001 Location: Bergen Docks Posts: 473	Wine, religion and inflation out of control. Excellent combo!

18-01-2003, 22:46	#20
Arilou Irken Tallest Join Date: Aug 2002 Location: Quasispace Posts: 5,430	Mr. Passport: You are mad. I'm just waiting for a "round the world in 400 years" AAR. __________________ "That's not a law, just a sword, happens I've got one too." -Yoren, A Song of Ice and Fire "Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed." -Dwight D. Eisenhower