A Spanish Shopping Spree

[jwolf]

Introduction

In nearly all of my EU2 games I play minor countries with few, if any, historical events and leaders. So just once, I want to play one of the majors. I want the cool events and great leaders. I want the rest of Europe, or even the world, to grovel in terror at my feet. Who knows, I might even turn into a province hungry megalomaniac!

So what follows is an AAR of Castile/Spain in the GC. I play the first beta after version 1.07; I chose not to play the later betas or version 1.08 because of very far-reaching changes in the rules, some of which I believe are counter productive.

Since I do not expect a serious challenge from a game playing point of view, the AAR will not be written in my usual style of "Look at this! Wasn't I clever or lucky to survive with Country X and defeat Countries Y and Z?" Instead, my goal in the AAR is to explain each significant event or conquest in the history of Spain from a very whimsical point of view, inspired by a classic fairy tale.

Further, I have been inspired by some of the more poetic AARs to try my hand at poetry myself! I am certain my old English teachers would all have heart attacks at that news but they are, I believe, safely dead already. At any rate, each chapter of the AAR will feature a verse in a long running saga between the king and a rather unusual advisor he has.

For story purposes I will disregard the official monarch of Castile or Spain, keeping my characters King Enrique and Queen Katherine. As the story opens in 1419 they are newlywed, very much in love, and all is well except for the fact that there is never enough money...

[jwolf]

Chapter 1

King Enrique was happy. Katherine, his lovely bride, brought smile after smile. He was free to enjoy her company while his ministers and advisors took care of the mundane details of managing the Kingdom of Castile. All was well for several years, until the Secretary of the Treasury asked for a private audience with the King:

"Your Majesty, I regret to inform you that we are at the brink of debt."

"How can this be, Pedro? Is not Castile a rich kingdom?"

"Yes, Sire -- well, er, ah, we used to be, until you got married."

"And what does that have to do with it?"

"Begging your pardon, Sire, but it's the Queen. Have you seen all the stuff she keeps buying?"

"Her happiness is the foremost need of the kingdom, Pedro. And surely her expenses have not been that high, have they?"

"I am afraid they have, Sire. Perhaps you could have a word with her? Gently persuade her to cut back on her shopping?"

"Very well, Pedro, I shall do as you suggested."

So, for the first time, Enrique approached Katherine with some unease. But before he could say anything, she rushed up with a smile, hugging him and exclaiming joyfully:

"O Darling! You've got to see the great new furniture I just bought for us!"

"But my dear, don't we already have nice furniture?"

"No, silly, those things are so old. You'll see. This is much better."

"Um, they look nice, but aren't they kind of expensive?"

"Oh no, not at all. And because I am such a good customer, the salesman gave me a 10% discount!"

At this point it began to dawn on Enrique that he might have a problem. He excused himself from Katherine and sought out his best friend, Juan. Delicately he explained the situation, in confidence. Juan carefully pondered his friend's problem, then spoke these words of advice:

"Enrique, there is only one thing for you to do. When the going gets tough, the tough get going."

"So...?"

"So go fishing. You remember that trout stream up in the mountains? You haven't been there for years. Go. It will do you good."

Having no better idea, Enrique followed his friend's advice. And, for a time, the beautiful scenery relaxed and revitalized him. But in the end there was no escape. His kingdom was running out of money and he could think of no way out. With deepening despair, he watched the sun set one evening as he sat by the side of the stream. Turning his gaze to the water, he saw a pretty little fish swimming gracefully. Overcome with sorrow, he poured out his heart to the fish:

Fishy, fishy in the brook
My money's gone; for Kathy took
It to the mall and spent it there,
To buy three sofas and a chair.
Our palace she redecorates
As our treasury evaporates.
She breaks the bank with every stroke --
In short, O Fish, I'm going broke!

To the king's amazement, the fish leaped out of the water, balancing on its tail, and spoke these words in reply:

O King, do not yield to despair
Over three sofas and a chair.
You promised to love and protect her,
So build another tax collector.
Make sure your people pay their dues
Before you light the army's fuse.
With good morale they will not falter
And you will capture High Gibraltar.

And with an elegant nod of its head, the fish plunged into the water and disappeared. Though at first Enrique was stunned speechless, he quickly recovered, and ran back to the palace in Madrid. Quickly issuing new orders to his surprised ministers, he carried out the new advice, though not divulging its source.

Events proceeded just as the fish said. The Muslim kingdom of Granada was conquered, and new riches began to flow into the treasury.

[Hajji Giray I]

Yay! Jwolf is back!

Funny start where can I get one of those fish?

[Storey]

Originally Posted by jwolf

I am certain my old English teachers would all have heart attacks at that news but they are, I believe, safely dead already.

Hmm I think we had the same English teachers. Looks good jwolf.

Joe

[zacharym87]

Imagine all the things Katherine can buy once she gets her hands on all that Aztec gold ?

[Mr. Capiatlist]

Looks good, I was looking for something to read! Keep up the good work! And as a fellow player of lesser-nations, let me remind you, everything west of the Prime Meridian is Navarrian Territory, so lay off!

[jwolf]

Hajji Giray: A fish like that doesn't show up for just anyone. Only for the truly blessed.

Storey: I always hated studying poetry in school. I liked almost everything else, but not that.

zacharym: The more gold you have, the faster you can spend it and get even deeper into debt!

Mr. Capiatlist: How can I break this to you gently? Hmm, let's just say, you may be a little bit disappointed with events in the next chapter.

[jwolf]

Chapter 2

For some time Enrique was able to balance the needs of the kingdom with the budgetary demands of Katherine. But then she said she wanted a new house, to Enrique's growing dismay and alarm:

"But Kathy, isn't our palace wonderful? What could possibly be better?"

With tears in her eyes, she implored him, "O Darling! Have you seen the palaces they have in France?"

"No, I have to admit, I've never been there."

"Just as I thought. While you were out fighting the Moors, I searched for ideas for a better palace. I want one like this:"

http://www.castles-france.net/versai...ges/water4.jpg

Enrique grew pale. "Do you have any idea how much that thing costs?"

Katherine smiled and kissed him. "It doesn't have to be exactly like that one, just something along those lines. I'm sure you can manage it. You're so wonderful! I love you!"

"I'll see what I can do." His reward was another hug and kiss, but he left with discouragement.

Again he sought out his old friend Juan, and they agreed another fishing trip was called for. This time they traveled together, departing from Castile's new port at Gibraltar and sailing into the Mediterranean. Several days later, Enrique was no nearer to a solution. During the evening he took a solitary stroll along the deck, looking at the moon's glimmering reflection in the gentle waves of the sea. Suddenly he noticed a silvery fish swimming gracefully just below the surface, always careful to stay in the moonlight from wherever Enrique watched. Wondering if perhaps this was the signal, Enrique called out to the fish, just as he had done years before in the mountains:

Fishy, fishy in the Med
I foresee dark times ahead.
I need more money to provide
For all the wishes of my bride.
Kathy wants a brand new palace,
Chandeliers and crystal chalice;
Her room must overlook the bluff.
But our income isn't high enough!

The fish calmly held its head out of the water and replied,

O King, do not lose hope just yet,
Or sink too deeply into debt.
With Aragon's offensive move
Your revenues will soon improve.
Go fight the war against Navarre.
The French are tough, but they can't bar
Your taking Bearn for your own.
Your allies will devour their throne.

To Enrique's delight and amazement, events proceeded just as the fish foretold. With the conquest of Navarre and reparations from the French, once more riches began to flow into the treasury rather than out of it.

[Mr. Capiatlist]

NO! My dreams of a Basque Empire! Shattered! May revolts plague this AAR!
But still, good update! Keep it up!

[Isaac Brock]

"In our Castle in Spain,
We'll be living rent-free,
every capital gain,
You'll share with me.

From the village below,
Every cent we will drain,
and our fortune will grow
In our Castle in Spain"

[Braedonnal]

Kings ruled by advice from fish...I like it!

I caused my sixth grade English teacher so much trouble and agony that she got so mad that she grabbed a glass of water and threw it at me (and hit, I was soaked). She died not too long after though. I thought it was divine retribution for sure!

Let me try to bust a rhyme!

Fishy, fishy in the brook.
You taste so good when I do cook.
When I squeeze a bit of lemon,
You taste as though you came from heaven.

Maybe I should stick with just prose, eh?

[coz1]

jwolf is back,
with his new tale,
I hope to see,
that his plans not fail.

His advice from fish,
is clever indeed,
And leads Spain to good fortune,
and thus never in need.

But watch for inflation
For it will rise
And then the bank
Will...will...slap your thighs???

Yeah, that's why I stick to prose as well. Good luck and great start.

[jwolf]

Mr. C -- Tough luck about Navarre. It's rough being the little guy in that neighborhood. Broke my heart, I tell you.

Isaac Brock -- Not bad. Short and sweet. And I wish I really could tax my people as efficiently as you suggest.

Braedonnal, coz1 -- Um, maybe prose is better for you. I see many of us have wonderful memories of our English classes from years ago.

Note to all: I intend to get some screenshots into this story, but unfortunately I'm having some technical difficulties with my brother's site (where I upload the images). I hope to get it sorted out soon but for now I can't put the pictures in where I want them.

[jwolf]

Chapter 3

The increased income from Granada and Navarre was sufficient for many years, but eventually Kathy's shopping took its toll. Worse, Enrique's income actually began to decline as weak central administration resulted in very poor performance by Castile's merchant corps. Although some improvement occurred when the more talented Isabella was appointed as steward, it still was true that Castile's merchants did not perform well.

So again Enrique sought out his friend Juan, and again Juan recommended a fishing trip, to a beautiful lake at the foothills of the Pyrenees. Enrique hoped to see the magic fish again, but truthfully he did not believe he would. One bright and clear morning he arose early to watch the sunrise, and he saw a sparkling, silvery trout leap out of the water to catch an insect. The fish then turned to face the king, winked, and fell back into the water. Enrique thought this must be the signal! So he called out to the fish and explained his troubles:

Fishy, fishy in the lake
Assist me please, for pity's sake.
For Kathy's bills are piling high
While all our traders sink and die.
With Isabella's management,
True, better merchants can be sent.
But the competition is too tough;
Our traders are not good enough!

The fish said in reply,

Look East to Thrace, O King, and see
A failure of diplomacy.
The late state of Byzantium
Lies under Ak Koyunlu's thumb.
Against the wayward White Sheep Turks
The Osman Sultan schemes and lurks.
Await the change in ownership;
Your merchants then expand their grip.

And with a graceful flourish the fish dove into the water and swam out
of sight.

Enrique was puzzled over the fish's reply, for it spoke of lands he barely knew. How could events in Constantinople aid his merchants? Still, the fish had been proven right twice before, so Enrique resolved to wait for news from the East.

A few weeks after he returned to Madrid, his old friend Juan relayed some sad news:

"The Byzantines are history, Enrique. They've been annexed by the Turks."

"Too bad. They had fought bravely for so long."

"Their own fault, though, really. Look at this map of the area before the war -- and then guess which side started it."



"Oh man, I can't believe they were that dumb."

"They were. Think of it as evolution in action. So now Ak Koyunlu owns Thrace."

"Ak Koyunlu! It's just as the fish said!"

"The what?"

"Er, never mind, Juan."

"Now wait a minute, Enrique. I know you've been getting advice from somewhere on these fishing trips. Do you mean you've been listening to a fish?"

"Well, ah, um, it's not exactly like that, you see..."

"Oh sure it isn't. Come on Enrique, we've known each other all our lives. You've got to level with me."

The end of it was that Juan prevailed upon Enrique to tell him the whole story, Enrique frantically pledging him to sworn secrecy upon his very soul.

Back to Thrace, little happened. Months, then years, went by. Rumors of rebel bands came back to Madrid but Enrique had other concerns. Eventually, though, the diplomatic reports were more substantial. Thrace defected from Ak Koyunlu to the Ottoman Empire. The Sultan, grateful at last to obtain the City of Men's Desire, began a wide ranging series of new initiatives and reforms. Among these was a new Center of Trade, with scarcely any competition, just waiting to be filled. To Enrique's great joy, the fish had been proven right once again.

[merrick]

<Insert bad poetry here>

jwolf AARs are always worth reading, and this one looks like fun. I wonder what the fish will have to say about the Aztecs - and the Dutch.

[Isaac Brock]

Originally Posted by jwolf

Isaac Brock -- Not bad. Short and sweet. And I wish I really could tax my people as efficiently as you suggest.

Oh no, that's not me. It's from "Babes in Toyland" which is a vadueville play, a Laurel and Hardy movie, and then a Disney film from the sixties. I guess it was a pretty obscure Disney reference.... I've been looking all over for the lyrics but presumably due to the Mouse they don't seem to be anywhere on the web! Anyway, it's very relevant, and I think I remembered another verse...

"Every mortgage and lease,
I'll revaluate,
and for you I'll increase,
their interest rate"

And then there is something like

"you'll eat nothing but cake,
you'll drink nought but champagne,
you'll be in on the take,
in our castle in Spain."

[jwolf]

Originally Posted by merrick

I wonder what the fish will have to say about the Aztecs - and the Dutch.

I have a verse prepared for the Aztecs. Now all I have to do is get there and conquer them.

As for the Dutch, I also had a verse prepared for the Austrian inheritance and transfer to Spanish control, but it appears that I won't get the chance to use it. England diploannexed Burgundy and beat up France badly (a few years too late, unfortunately, as the end of the 100 years war event already had fired). Then the English lost a lot to rebels and Burgundy was reborn just in time for the French and Austrians to inherit them. But under the circumstances, each got only one province. Austria is getting creamed in their homeland, right now (AD 1498) owning only Vienna and Luxembourg! It would be neat to see them wiped out completely but with the two provinces separated so far I think it is unlikely. Too bad for the Hungarians, who are doing quite well and have no need for Habsburg assistance at all.

Edit: Thanks for the reference, IB. I'll have to check it out. That song sounds like something Katherine would be singing.

[Isaac Brock]

This may give you a selection as sung by Buster Poindexter. Of course it's the verses I just remembered, but perhaps you could have it playing while EU is running

[TreizeV]

Haha the King of spain ruling by the advice of a fish very nice.

There shouldn't problem Jwolf just conquer portugal or some French kingdom and give it to the King's wife as a present

[Mr. Capiatlist]

Haha! Change the monarch files and make the rhyming Fish king! King Fish, Master of Spain.
Good updates though.